Morning Fog

Oh, I’m Stressed…

on September 28, 2011

I’m not sure when it happened, but somewhere along the line, even before I pretty much stopped writing here with any regularity, I stopped expressing myself. Being honest. Not that I lied, I didn’t mean that…just not saying anything. Not that I wasn’t thinking things, but I am now overflowing with the thinking and the things.

I’m stressed. And I’m not. I have been taking so much in stride for so long now that it feels normal and I don’t know where to start, but I have come full circle to thinking that I NEED this place because I need a place to just, I don’t know, purge.

There is a lot going on, and I since I long ago drowned in my glass-half-fullness, I can’t quite separate the good from the bad anymore, or maybe it’s just that the good and bad parts have blended together like a dirty martini. And they have left me a bit foggy.

I am blessed in so many ways that it isn’t even funny. Rose colored glasses. So what is all this ahem that is clouding my thinking with the sheer volume of everything?

Okay then, a list. A list I might go back to and expand upon at a later date, but I just can’t keep it all in anymore and I really don’t care.

1. I don’t want to talk about my husband, and that is an actual thing. The not wanting to talk. The talking about him is too enormous. I don’t know why exactly, the good is that we are 28 years strong this week, maybe stronger than ever. The bad is his health, his back specifically. Did I ever write much about his back problems and his surgeries and his disability? It’s too big. I don’t think about it much because thinking about it shuts off a part of my brain. I don’t want him to get worse and so I try to just pretend he is a-ok because it is easier than dwelling on what is not a-ok. Done with that.
2. Number one son. He is living abroad. I am so proud of him. He finished his masters this past spring and gave up his nice job with a great company to pursue even higher education in Europe. So all of that is good. Even being in Europe. Except that he has to BE in EUROPE. I have to play tricks with my brain to deal with that too.
3. Number one son’s girlfriend aka: almost my daughter in law, unoffically that is. She is finishing up grad school soon and looking for a post doc overseas to be closer to him. A good thing. We want to keep her. But we would also like to keep her HERE. Damn, both are going to be so far away.
3. Only Daughter. Married four years. Husband deployed in Afghanistan. Living on the other side of the country. Pregnant. First grandchild. Clearly a good thing. But she is so far away. And her husband won’t be here for the baby’s birth. And she never finished college. But she has a great job. And he never went to college, and what the heck is he going to do when he gets out of the service? Or will he stay in? Maybe that’s better. Or is it? Good, bad, WTF why do I have to worry about this stuff?
4. Number two son. Turned 14. Started high school. My baby is now about 5’11” so that is clearly a good/bad thing right there. My baby isn’t supposed to be that much taller than me.
He wears size 12 shoes…good news is he has worn them for a year already. Perhaps the growing and the buying of new shoes will slow down now.
5. That’s the kids and the husband. There is also the job. 27 Brand New First Graders. I can’t possibly elaborate on that.
6. I still haven’t recovered from my mom’s death, although I have really. Dad is good, my brother is an…what’s worse than an asshole?
7. I can’t keep up with everything.

8. And seriously, what happens to all the brown crayons? Year after year, the kids start with full boxes of silky new crayons, and promptly lose their brown. Are there brown-crayon-snatching-aliens out there? Is that some kind of secret power source for the universe? I broke down and ordered some BROWN crayons from crayola today. I am tired of hearing kids whine that they don’t have a brown. While I was at it, I ordered some black and silver and gold. Black is the goes-with-all crayon. Silver and gold for the sheer delight.

I think that is enough for now. I also think I will try to make this a daily event because I need to vent. Daily!

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One response to “Oh, I’m Stressed…

  1. Christina says:

    I go through phases with my blog where it is either me mundanely documenting the ins and outs of life to appease my mom (yeah, she reads it…help!)…or else to share pictures or else to just flipping VENT! The last few have been all complaints. I’m thinking of changing the name of the site to The Complaint Box 🙂

    Life does this though – I was just about to write something on this – even when you can take a step back and say with deep certainty that you are really happy and life really is GOOD overall – there are still..THINGS…that BUG…things you cannot control..but which gnaw and chip away here and there at your brain. The key is in how you deal with those things so that they don’t become Big Things or bigger than they should be. Anyhow, it’s nice to hear from you. And yeah, what in the hell DOES happen to the brown crayons?!! I remember that distinctly from my days helping out Alex’s K and 1st grade classes. They were always running low on brown!!

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